If I'm not able to "fix" myself, why would I be worthy of help?

For many people, struggling isn't just difficult; it’s a source of shame. We might question ourselves when we can’t just “cope” or things don’t seem to get better, even when it looks like we’re managing from the outside. We might ask ourselves: “Why can’t I deal with this?”, “Am I broken?”, “If they can cope, why can’t I?” and sometimes even “Why would I be worthy of help?”

Navigating the Complex Emotions of Seeking Help

For me, there are a couple of parts to this feeling, even if the exact words we use to describe it are different. First, there may be the thought that talking alone can’t really help; a sense of scepticism. Second, we might think things like: “Others have it worse than me, so what makes me special?” or “If I can’t fix this, I must be weak.” The focus is not the exact questions we ask ourselves, but the feelings of shame, failure or weakness that we quietly carry.

The strange thing about struggling is that it can make us believe we need support whilst also convincing us we don’t deserve it. We might tell ourselves we should be stronger, we should be able to handle it, or we should be able to work it out alone. For some people, asking for help can feel like admitting failure. For others, there is a fear of burdening people, taking up space, or wasting somebody’s time. This can be particularly apparent in men, where I have written more about what it can be like for men who might be considering seeking help on my website.

Then there is another challenge. Unlike going to a medical professional with a broken bone, the reason we feel the way we do might be unclear, even to ourselves. We might not have the right words to describe it; we just know something doesn’t feel right. So when somebody asks, “What’s going on?” we don’t always have an answer. How do you ask for help when you can’t find the words to describe what you’re experiencing?

Beyond Advice: The Need for Understanding and Connection in Times of Struggle

For those who haven’t experienced this kind of struggle, advice can sometimes come easily...

“Go for a walk.”

“Take up exercise.”

“Write a journal.”

“Do something you enjoy.”

“Think positive.”

Whilst these things are often said with good intention, and can sometimes be genuinely helpful, they don’t always reach the heart of what is happening. Sometimes the struggle runs deeper, meaning it isn’t about needing another coping strategy. Sometimes it is about feeling lost, disconnected, ashamed, exhausted, overwhelmed, or unsure who you are beneath the responsibilities and expectations you carry. At those times, what we often need is not more advice.

Maybe what we need is understanding, space, and someone willing to sit alongside us while we work out what is really going on. I have said more about this on my webpage 'why counselling'. The difficulty, of course, is that reaching out can feel like the hardest part. Shame might tell us to stay quiet, try another piece of advice, watch another motivational video, or simply keep going. Fear might tell us we won’t be understood, and doubt might tell us nothing will change. Sometimes hopelessness tells us not to bother trying.

Reaching Out: The First Step Towards Support and Healing

Some people discover that the first step isn't finding the perfect words, the right diagnosis, or a clear explanation of what is wrong. The first step is simply allowing somebody else to know that you're struggling, and there are many places where support can be found: friends, family, support groups, charities, helplines and counselling. The important thing is not where you begin, but that you don’t have to carry everything alone.

If any of this feels familiar, perhaps you don’t need to have all the answers before reaching out. Maybe knowing that something isn’t right is enough. Perhaps your struggle does not make you less worthy of help; perhaps it is the very reason you deserve support. Sometimes knowing that something isn’t right is reason enough to start a conversation.

If you would like to learn more about how counselling might work, and why people sometimes access it, there is more information throughout my website. If this reflection connects with something you are experiencing, you might consider exploring what support is available and finding the option that feels right for you.